Discussing any diagnosis with your young person can be a sensitive and important conversation. It’s a moment that can shape how they understand themselves and their place in the world. How you approach the discussion can make a significant difference in how your young person feels about their diagnosis.
Here are some tips to help guide this conversation in a thoughtful and supportive way.
Use Helpful Language - Over the last few years, there has been a big shift from using the term “person with autism” to using the term “autistic person”. This is because, as a neurodivergent people, we generally prefer the mindset that neurodivergence is a fundamental part of who we are as a person, not baggage we are dragging around for life. The phrase “person with autism” has an implication that we have been dealt a deficit or handicap, and that we as a person can be separated, or even cured, from this handicap. However, the term “autistic person” is something we generally view more positively. It highlights that every person on the planet has a different brain, and autistic (or other neurotypes such as ADHD) is just a descriptor of how our brain works. It is a fundamental part of who we are as a person.
Avoid the Medical Model - Historically, being autistic or ADHD has been seen as a medical condition or deficit, but this is largely unhelpful and sometimes viewed as harmful by the neurodivergent community. It implies there is something wrong with who we fundamentally are. Studies have shown that neurodivergent people are much happier, with higher self-esteem when medical terminology is avoided. For example, many neurodivergent people are using the word “identified” instead of “diagnosed”, implying that we’ve finally been able to name the type of brain we have, not being burdened with a life-long medical condition.
Talk About Different Types of Brain - It can be helpful to explain that everyone on the planet has different brains, we all think and interpret the world differently. Explain that the brain type that is most common is called “neurotypical” and other brain types that are less common are called “neurodivergent”. Sometimes, it can be helpful to liken being neurodivergent to having red hair. There is nothing wrong or incorrect with having red hair and we don’t need to pressure people with red hair into dying it brown to make them “normal”. It is just a natural variation in the population, and a lot of people quite like having red hair!
Choose the Right Time and Environment - Find a quiet, comfortable place where your young person feels safe and can focus without distractions. Choose a time when both of you are calm and can talk openly. Avoid doing it when they are already feeling stressed or overwhelmed.
Use Simple, Clear Language - Children, especially younger ones, may not fully grasp complex terms. Use language that is clear and easy to understand.
Focus on Strengths and Abilities - While it’s important to acknowledge the challenges we face as neurodivergent people, it is also important to highlight our strengths and talents that are more common in neurodivergent people than the general population. Talk about things we are good at, whether it's our creativity, attention to detail, or deep focus on interests we are passionate about.
Encourage Questions and Open Dialogue - Your young person may have questions, and that’s okay! Be prepared to answer as honestly as possible, and if you don’t know the answer, it’s okay to admit that. There is nothing wrong with finding things out together. Encourage your child to ask questions and express how they feel. Keep the conversation open and ongoing, allowing them to revisit the topic whenever they need to.
Encourage Neurodivergent Friendships - There is a concept in psychology called the “Double Empathy Paradigm”. Typically, neurodivergent people have been quick to say that neurodivergent people have “difficulties communicating” and “difficulty understanding social cues”, which helped form the original medical models of neurodivergence. However, later research shows that actually neurodivergent people communicate with each other just as well as neurotypical people communicate with each other. It is usually when neurotypical and neurodivergent people try to communicate with each other we often end up with communication breakdown and frustration on both sides. It could be likened to a native German speaker talking to a native French speaker. If a native German speaker met a French person (not knowing they spoke French), their view could be that the French speaker doesn’t understand them and doesn’t communicate well when, in fact, there is nothing wrong with the way the French speaker communicates when talking to other French speakers. The problem is simply a language and cultural barrier between the two of them. This is very similar to how communication problems often occur between neurodivergent and neurotypical people. Because of this, it is very, very common for two people to become very good friends or even get married, only later in life to discover they were both neurodivergent and that is why they always got along so well!
Be Supportive and Reassuring - Above all, reassure your young person that they are loved and supported. Together, you can create an environment where they feel empowered and accepted for who they are.
Here is a free downloadable resource to help you when you have this discussion with them:
About Equal Potential CIC
Equal Potential are a non-profit organisation based in Farnborough, Hampshire.
We believe that early and ongoing support for neurodivergent young people that set up young people for success, both while in education and while in the early stages of their career, are vital to creating more equal opportunities. Whether through mentoring, maths & English tuition, functional skills, social and skill-based clubs or career advice, we are dedicated to helping young people reach their full potential by providing support at the earliest possible stage.
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